Dec. 6th, 2009

I spent this week vascilating between intense happiness and panic. Tyler's girlfriend (!!) was visiting. I love her dearly and I love the two of them together. They are very much happier together than apart.

At the same time, I was going through the same old shit I always go through. Feelings of inadequacy, self loathing and low self worth. It never got really bad, which I attribute to the fact that I was, mostly, happy. I don't know how to deal with all that, really. I think it will just take adjustment time.

Really, the thing is that I need to move the fuck out of this town and this house and into a place with my kind of people. When I'm in a place where I feel comfortable and not as judged I start feeling normal. It's not perfect, but it does make me wonder if moving will help me solve my own problems.

I have a 'script for Zoloft waiting for me at the pharmacy. I haven't gathered the balls to get it yet. I'm afraid, really am. I don't want to become my mom. I'd rather be anxious all the time.

This wasn't really supposed to be a journal of my stupid neurosis, really it wasn't...

Elijah is 7 months plus a bit, now. He's crawling and trying to walk and he's huge and beautiful and amazing. I love, love, love being a mommy.

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inkyjew

December 2009

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