[personal profile] inkyjew
Lately, every day is a struggle.

I have class at 8am on Tuesday and Thursday. Getting there is sometimes impossible. I struggle out the door and into the car. No matter when I leave it is too late, or too early. Everyone is staring at me. They all hate me. Etc, etc. It's a struggle to go to class, and a struggle to let the professors know when I don't. The very thought of emailing people. Terrifying. I want to delete my Facebook and delete Adium and throw away my phone and never speak to anyone, silent and alone. But I don't, because there are a few people out there that need me, and sometimes they tell me, and so I hold on to talking to people and I don't disappear.

And I know it won't work. I could never speak to anyone again, but if I did, all those old conversations, those old, moronic things that I've said, would surface and show up and wave themselves in my face. My ears would ring again, and my heart would thump, and I would feel that same old way, if I never spoke another word.

And I have a son, and a husband. I need to be able to speak to them. I need to be able to stand up and be a powerful, useful human being. So I'm going to a therapist at school, even though I know that she hates me too, just like everyone else. I got my thyroid tested (it's fine) and my doctor suggested I go on Zoloft, so that's probably the next step.

I'm planning on moving next year and I want to leave this behind me, this me. I want to shed it and be human again, a functioning, intelligent human. I am just afraid that I lost that humanity. I'm afraid that I'll never again know what's appropriate in a social situation because I'll be so busy second guessing myself. I don't know if I can ever get back that assuredness. I don't know if I can ever feel like I know how to talk to people again.

I hope so.

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inkyjew

December 2009

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