Depressed. Starving children. Starving people. People dying because of lack of water. My mocha has lost its palatability. How can we ever do right in a world of so much wrong? Why did G-d put us here to suffer so much? I just want to live in a happy, healthy bubble with Tyler and Cindy and Elijah. I want to write and do good for people around me, and be comfortable, and happy. How can I lean on that privilege so heavily? How can I be happy, when I could empty my pockets for others? And since when do I refer to G-d that way?
8th night of Hanukkah. I'm a bad jew. Bad, bad jew.

Also I have a craaaazzzzy sex dream last night. But I won't share it here, because walls have ears...

32,500 words. My goal is 55-60,000. I don't think it'll make it, but I think that an edit or two will help that (there's a short, ~500 word chapter that spans 3 days. Bad writer!)

I kind of love that no one reads this. It makes me happy inside.
It's the sabboth, it's the 7th day of Hanukkah. I made challah (OMGSOGOOD) and am going to be writing soon.

This makes me so thankful. This year has been so, so, so miserable for so many people. But we all have our health, more or less. We have a house full of food, clean water, and ample heat to keep our toes warm. I have a loving, beautiful family and friends. I have so many extras, a nice camera, a nice desk, ink for my pens. The internet. Hi, internet.

Sobering moment. Shabbat shalom. L'chaim.
Sometimes I worry that the words I don't say will explode out of me one of these days. I'll lose consciousness and say all of these things and ruin everything ever.

But my mouth trembles with words unsaid, and they rise up, and I need to swallow them down.
Elijah just wouldn't sleep last night. He kept acting like he wanted to and then only crawling, crawling, crawling. He went for a swin in the dog water dish and then poured the water for my plants all over the floor (and subsequently himself). I've never had to change his pajamas twice in one night BEFORE he managed to make it to sleep.

It's a blizzard outside, though not as bad as the one in WI/IL.

Tyler came out of the closet to my parents last night about him and Cindy. Briefly, and in an email. Being that they're poly I don't think that they care, but I'm sure they'll use it as an excuse to tease him. My family is predictable.

I have a 20 page paper due tomorrow. I'm on page 7. I've got two outlines and a handful of critiques from classmates, so this really shouldn't be too bad, as long as Elijah lets me. That part is not sure, though.

I really want to be writing right now. Oh well.
I spent this week vascilating between intense happiness and panic. Tyler's girlfriend (!!) was visiting. I love her dearly and I love the two of them together. They are very much happier together than apart.

At the same time, I was going through the same old shit I always go through. Feelings of inadequacy, self loathing and low self worth. It never got really bad, which I attribute to the fact that I was, mostly, happy. I don't know how to deal with all that, really. I think it will just take adjustment time.

Really, the thing is that I need to move the fuck out of this town and this house and into a place with my kind of people. When I'm in a place where I feel comfortable and not as judged I start feeling normal. It's not perfect, but it does make me wonder if moving will help me solve my own problems.

I have a 'script for Zoloft waiting for me at the pharmacy. I haven't gathered the balls to get it yet. I'm afraid, really am. I don't want to become my mom. I'd rather be anxious all the time.

This wasn't really supposed to be a journal of my stupid neurosis, really it wasn't...

Elijah is 7 months plus a bit, now. He's crawling and trying to walk and he's huge and beautiful and amazing. I love, love, love being a mommy.
I am in Madison, for a funeral, for my parents, for myself. I'm incredibly busy, as I'm missing a week of school and it's crunch time for final projects. My anxiety is getting better, I think, just being around people. I need to move, I will move. The memorial service was lovely, it's been lovely to see my friends and my family. My mom is fading, but she's still wonderful, and my sister is awesome, and my dad is doing ok. I want to stay here. I want to get a job and a house and stay here with them. I wish I could.
Lately, every day is a struggle.

I have class at 8am on Tuesday and Thursday. Getting there is sometimes impossible. I struggle out the door and into the car. No matter when I leave it is too late, or too early. Everyone is staring at me. They all hate me. Etc, etc. It's a struggle to go to class, and a struggle to let the professors know when I don't. The very thought of emailing people. Terrifying. I want to delete my Facebook and delete Adium and throw away my phone and never speak to anyone, silent and alone. But I don't, because there are a few people out there that need me, and sometimes they tell me, and so I hold on to talking to people and I don't disappear.

And I know it won't work. I could never speak to anyone again, but if I did, all those old conversations, those old, moronic things that I've said, would surface and show up and wave themselves in my face. My ears would ring again, and my heart would thump, and I would feel that same old way, if I never spoke another word.

And I have a son, and a husband. I need to be able to speak to them. I need to be able to stand up and be a powerful, useful human being. So I'm going to a therapist at school, even though I know that she hates me too, just like everyone else. I got my thyroid tested (it's fine) and my doctor suggested I go on Zoloft, so that's probably the next step.

I'm planning on moving next year and I want to leave this behind me, this me. I want to shed it and be human again, a functioning, intelligent human. I am just afraid that I lost that humanity. I'm afraid that I'll never again know what's appropriate in a social situation because I'll be so busy second guessing myself. I don't know if I can ever get back that assuredness. I don't know if I can ever feel like I know how to talk to people again.

I hope so.



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